[Originally published on WhooptyDid (January 2013)]
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READ CAREFULLY! This could very well be the opportunity of a lifetime for you or someone sort of close to you in your social network. I am pleased to announce that today, after years of secretive R&D, my numerous alter egos and I are launching our new skin-care product ThickSkin™.
No, this is not a new razor with 13 blades and space age lubrication extruder. Nor is it an anti-aging system for women designed to make you think you look 21 when you’re actually 38 or 39.
What it is? What it is is ThickSkin™. Well, what it is, is a tougher-than-nails imaginary full body suit for sensitive people with “thin skin.” This revolutionary new product, manufactured by my company Don’t Be So Sensitive, Inc..strives to provide sensitive, thin skinned individuals with the instant ability to withstand uncomfortable social situations. This includes 100% effectiveness against the highly critical viewpoints of type A males. Furthermore, it is the perfect solution to dealing with supposed good friends who, for some reason, never act like good friends when cool people are around. This product works well both indoors and outdoors and is perfectly suited for nerve-wrecking family gatherings.
I first thought of this ThickSkin™ after years of feeling helpless in the presence of other people who, somehow recognizing the massive heart on my sleeve and my slender skin, would always find a way to get under it! This was so draining! And from an energetic perspective I was always exhausted, nothing left in the tank for other purposes. My mind would spin for hours and hours when people made inappropriate “digs” at me and, here’s the kicker, it would take over two days to come up with a witty response! Two days!!! And even then, when I had that witty response, I would only practice it alone, in front of the bathroom mirror which hadn’t been cleaned for days.
So I looked into this problem and eventually hired a market research firm who, under my supervision, discovered that anywhere from 60-70% of people in western culture suffer from this malady. Furthermore, we discovered it is rooted in genetics, early childhood development, sandboxes and playgrounds. I thought “There must be something that can be done about this!” and after months of testing and experimenting with a range of products and designs I hit upon ThickSkin™!!!
I was sitting in my car, getting ready for a party to be attended by more than a few jerks in my extended network, when, out of now where I started talking ridiculously to myself and imagined putting on a full 1/8 inch thick body suit made of nothing but free range attitude and an “I’m a good person and people like me” mindset. I put on this suit, went to the party and noticed that I was standing taller,doing a much better job working the crowd and had no problem dealing with morons.
I am so proud to be launching my new product, ThickSkin™. My team of multiple personalities and I look forward to being of service to you and to continuing to evolve this product based on your feedback. And believe you me, when someone makes that verbal dig at you in front of others and tries to get under your skin,ThickSkin™ is guaranteed to help you get a spine and generate a witty response within seconds or your money back. And, since this product costs nothing, it’s a hell of a deal!
© 2013 to Infinity All Rights Reserved Nick Papadopoulos — https://mythickskin.wordpress.com